That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
[She can see it the moment he decides that he'll let her in, that she matters enough to him to go through the clear struggle this is to allow her to help him become everything she knows he can be. Adjusted, stronger because of it. Maybe happy, if he takes the time to learn what that feels like.
What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
[ He gives her a small but crooked smile in return, feeling both very sure of his decision and also deeply unsure. It's new territory. It's vulnerable, letting someone in this close. Every instinct wants to push away, every scrap of survival he learned telling him this isn't worth it.
(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
[That smile does more to warm her than any cup of tea, any warm fire, any blanket freshly brought in off the clothesline, and the funny flip her stomach does is both entirely welcome and a little surprising. She feels far too old to be affected by something so simple and yet her she is, counting down the minutes until she sees Nina again to tell her how right she was in the end.
Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
[ Inej lays back and Kaz goes with her, even though he wouldn't have minded just taking in the view. She looks good as she is, hair fanning out across her pillow. His pillow? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
[ His eyebrows go up at her comment, so unused to hearing such things from her. He's heard enough innuendo thrown around the Crow Club; it's a byproduct of everyone coming from the Barrel. No real need for manners or censoring their speech when they're rarely dealing with the merchers.
Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
[She's naked from the waist down still, shorts and underwear lost somewhere in his sheets, but she can't find it in her to care just yet. She wants more already, to chip away at his resolve until he belongs to her and there's no longer a need to worry about him shutting her out.
These are things she should shut out herself, but it's like a floodgate now, all rushing in and impossible to stop.
So she does something she knows is unkind, the sort of thing Nina would do to be tempting. She reaches up over her head with both arms and arches, a lavish stretch of her back that pulls her sleeveless shirt tight against her breasts, small though they may be. She doesn't have Nina's curves but here, with Kaz, she doesn't she needs them to be a distraction.]
[ True to form, his mind is already spinning with possibility. It's the problem solver in him, already putting together what he'd have to do to reinforce the walls. Really, it isn't a bad idea for a future improvement, would give them better insulation in general. ]
I—
[ He's torn out of his thoughts by the motion, glancing over to be met with....well, that. Sure is a sight. Somehow, it doesn't matter if he just got off mere minutes ago, he feels his mouth go dry and that telltale bit of warmth in his gut. ]
—yeah, maybe. [ What are they even talking about? ]
[Despite the fact that she played that card with the hope that it would get the response it does, she's still honestly surprised that it does. Here she had thought for so long that Kaz didn't care about people in this way, that he would never be tempted by something by something she just assumed he considered beneath him.
No one would have claim to buy into the idea that Kaz could be seduced and that's probably who no one has ever tried, so this? This is like a revelation, one Inej has no intention of ever letting leave this room.
She wouldn't have considered herself a jealous person before now, but... Well, this is a side to him she doesn't want to give to anyone else.]
What else would you do?
[The double meaning is there, clear as day but something she would never admit to if he called her on it. She means with the renovations, obviously. If her foot is brushing along his calf while she stretches that's just coincidence.]
[ In the past, he's never really looked before. When he'd visit the Menagerie or the other brothels, he never had the urge to stare at any of the women, even when they'd be trying their best to flaunt what they had.
And for a while, it was like that with Inej. He'd appreciated her competency, how quickly she'd caught on to things when she'd been brought on to the Dregs. At some point, that appreciation changed. Kaz can't say if it was abrupt or gradual, he only remembers his mind suddenly turning to how much he liked when she laughed to the shape of her legs, the trim line of her waist.
He'd masked that urge to stare since then, all too aware of her background and the men she'd dealt with.
But now she was here, in his bed, clearly asking to be looked at. And he isn't going to deny her that, as his gaze purposefully drops from her face to her chest and waist, seeing just a sliver of skin exposed from where the blanket's dropped down. ]
So much; the work's never really done. [ Haven't they just gotten started? ]
It steals her breath away to see that look in his eye now, makes her glad for her darker complexion because it'll hide the flush on her cheeks far better than his skin will ever have a chance to. She feels warm all over, almost like she can feel the path his eyes track over her as if it were his hands mapping out the places on her body that capture his attention.
He's never looked at anyone that way, and she's never liked being looked at like that. It makes all of this feel even more surreal, goes even farther to convincing her this really is a dream. She'll wake up in her own cold bed and they'll go on with their lives like they always do.
If this is her only chance beating around the bush is starting to feel more and more detrimental, so she holds her hand out to him, beckons him closer.]
[ If he looks closely, he thinks he can see her blush. Maybe. It's hard to tell with her complexion—unlike his, which in typical Kerch fashion would let everyone a mile away see him blush if he did.
At her urging, he slots closer, cautiously puts his hand in hers and braces himself for a bad memory. Nothing happens and he's relieved. And now very curious to see what she wants. ]
[ He goes with her tugging and settles back down, looping a...possibly possessive arm around her waist. It feels good, touching her so casually. Hard to imagine he's even doing it, especially after dreaming of it for longer than he'd like to admit. ]
I wasn't sure about this. [ Really, part of him still isn't. He doesn't know if he trusts himself to figure out how to get over his problems. ]
[Again he surprises her, but she gives him nothing but encouragement as she curls towards him when he reaches for her. Cuddling is maybe not what she had in mind, she just wanted them to be closer, to kiss him again, but it's impossible not to reach back when he shows her it's okay.
Her arm slips around his waist in return and she gives him a smile, small and warm.]
It doesn't show.
[You're doing well is what she means, what she hopes he hears but isn't foolish enough to say out loud.]
[ This is a lot of touch. Not as much as it had been a number of minuted ago, but she's still curled towards him, arms wrapped around his middle. Somehow, though, it's soothing, their shared warmth going down to his bones.
Kaz tilts his head down to press his nose to the top of her head, the smell of her shampoo filling his senses. It's a little dimmer now and he thinks maybe he can catch how she smells underneath that. ]
Flatterer. [ The response is muffled, because he really doesn't want to move. And maybe he doesn't enunciate very well, feeling some tiredness creep in. ]
[He knows her better than that. It's simply the truth, and he only proves it with what he's doing now. It's shocking to her how much she likes this, his nose in her hair and their arms curled around each other, but what surprises her the most is how he's made this happen by his own choice. He's the one who put an arm around her, who decided to nuzzle the top of her head.
She's never felt like this before and she wants to tell him, wants to let him know that this is special, but even now it feels too dangerous. The bubble will burst eventually and when it does she'll need to put the pieces back together. The less she reveals, the easier it will be to hide what this means.
[ He does know her better than that, but something approaching humor is a universal deflector. Under her words, there was something else, a more serious sentiment, and he isn't quite ready to tackle it. Before he does, he'll have to ruminate on it, think over his words.
No enacting a plan without considering it from as many angles as possible. It's probably not the right way to go about it, but it's what he has.
For now though, he's content like this, pressed close without any pressure to do anything else. He almost feels weightless. In several ways. ]
Then come kiss me. [ He pulls away from where he has his face pressed into her hair, catching her gaze with an almost cocky air. ]
[She makes the humming sound while that small smile makes another appearance, amusement making her eyes a little brighter in the warm light filtering through his window and warming up their bed, finally. Amusement and warmth, clear affection, and she shakes her head.]
Not yet.
[Instead she pulls herself away from him, but only a little. Only enough to pull the covers up over her chest to make sure that when she slips her top off over her head, he won't actually see anything. He'll be stuck with the knowledge that she's now entirely naked next to him, under his covers where he can't see it just yet. She's exposed, vulnerable, and there for him to touch or look at only when he's ready.
It's to knock that cocky look off his face as much as it is to put the power in his hands so he doesn't have to be afraid of anything, honestly.
And then she shifts close again, reaching up to curl her fingers in his hair and bring his head down to hers.
Now, apparently, is when he gets his kiss. It's soft, not demanding, her lips brushing over his in an invitation for him to deepen it, but again she leaves all the power in his hands.]
[ She smiles and he feels his heart skip a beat. He wants her to do that more often, wishes she had more to be happy about. And right now, with the way the light's starting to slant into the room, she's almost backlit—the sun giving her a hair the effect of a crown. It gives her skin a warmer color, burnished and bright, almost like her personality is shining through.
He might be staring a lot when she sits up and tugs her shirt off. Knowing she's bare under the blankets is almost too much to process and all he wants is to see. And alright, he wants to touch her, because he remembers how it felt earlier. How he could almost feel the pulse under her ribs.
When she leans in to kiss him, he meets it cautiously at first, testing his own body's reaction. His mind doesn't balk so he deepens it with a soft sound, one hand reaching up to skim down her fully bared back. ]
[Again, when he reaches for her and kisses her back, she feels proud of him. Greedy and superior a little because it's her and no one else, but honestly just proud to see him recognize that he has this strength in him. She's proud that the whispers of dirtyhands haven't hardened him, that his past hasn't convinced him he's totally ruined. All she wants is so show him how good he can feel if he just opens himself up and already he's made such strides that he's blown her completely away.
He should be proud, but she doesn't pull back to tell him that. He puts his hand on her back and she curls toward him, almost near enough to touch his chest but still with a few inches separating their bodies. Still conscious of his space, even as he makes sounds that make her want to tip him over and pin him to the bed and kiss him senseless.
She's never wanted that. She had never been more than a passive partner in bed, but she also had never considered what it might be like to be allowed to have what she wanted rather than to follow the orders of someone paying for her. Maybe, because it's Kaz and he's the first person she can remember ever really wanting, everything will be different with him.
Would be different. If it went farther than this perfect, storybook morning.]
[ Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thinks he'd want Inej no matter what. Even if he didn't have a touch aversion that reared up occasionally. Even if he'd been able to take his pick over the years or even entertain the thought of flirting with the women who seemed to take a liking to him.
Because he's never felt like this towards anyone, and there's been plenty of women who've worked with him in the Dregs. None of them were Inej though, with her quiet laugh and soft steps. Or her devotion to both the Saints and waffles in almost equal measure.
(Certainly, none of them have been a person he's nearly risked re-breaking his leg for while trying to carry their close to unconscious body).
His hand stops at the small of her back, settles in the dip there and tugs her closer. He wants to feel her weight settled atop him, however she decides to do that. ]
[For Inej, there hasn't ever been an option that wasn't Kaz. No one else has held her attention the way he does, has felt like the right combination of safe and worthy of her time as him. And there's no discounting the admittedly childish fact that she can't help but think of him as a knight in not so shining armor, the dark stranger come to save a girl like her from her awful life.
She's not naive enough to think it was done because he had wanted her as a person. He wanted her skills, she knows that, is fine with it. These silly thoughts are just that, silly, secret things she would never be stupid enough to admit to out loud. No one with any sense would skip a beat in teasing her for it and it would only hurt her reputation, hurt his.
But it's still there. Hidden under layers of sense, that childish, romantic thought is still there.
When he tugs there's no resistance from her, just the gentle weight of her giving him what he wants and laying lightly against his chest. This is so much more intimate than before, her bare chest against his, one hand resting on his hip for balance so she doesn't topple completely on top of him. That he might want that isn't something she's considered just yet, but if he gave another tug she'd go right where he wanted her.]
[ She stops herself from falling onto him, so the line of her body isn't quite as pressed to his as he wants it be. Still, that first brush of her chest to his causes a flare of want to sear through him, makes him a little bolder. He lightly tugs at her bottom lip with his teeth when he pulls away from the kiss, breath coming up short.
Then, he's dipping his head lower to kiss the side of her neck, wondering if he can leave a mark somehow. Or maybe she wouldn't want it? It would certainly be difficult to hide.
Instead, he settles for trying to pull her closer again, hoping she gets the message that it's ok. ]
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That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
I won't make you wait long.
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What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
It's okay if you do. I can wait.
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(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
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Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
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If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
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[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
Nothing. Hopefully he knows it.]
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Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
Not a bad idea.
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[She's naked from the waist down still, shorts and underwear lost somewhere in his sheets, but she can't find it in her to care just yet. She wants more already, to chip away at his resolve until he belongs to her and there's no longer a need to worry about him shutting her out.
These are things she should shut out herself, but it's like a floodgate now, all rushing in and impossible to stop.
So she does something she knows is unkind, the sort of thing Nina would do to be tempting. She reaches up over her head with both arms and arches, a lavish stretch of her back that pulls her sleeveless shirt tight against her breasts, small though they may be. She doesn't have Nina's curves but here, with Kaz, she doesn't she needs them to be a distraction.]
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I—
[ He's torn out of his thoughts by the motion, glancing over to be met with....well, that. Sure is a sight. Somehow, it doesn't matter if he just got off mere minutes ago, he feels his mouth go dry and that telltale bit of warmth in his gut. ]
—yeah, maybe. [ What are they even talking about? ]
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No one would have claim to buy into the idea that Kaz could be seduced and that's probably who no one has ever tried, so this? This is like a revelation, one Inej has no intention of ever letting leave this room.
She wouldn't have considered herself a jealous person before now, but... Well, this is a side to him she doesn't want to give to anyone else.]
What else would you do?
[The double meaning is there, clear as day but something she would never admit to if he called her on it. She means with the renovations, obviously. If her foot is brushing along his calf while she stretches that's just coincidence.]
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And for a while, it was like that with Inej. He'd appreciated her competency, how quickly she'd caught on to things when she'd been brought on to the Dregs. At some point, that appreciation changed. Kaz can't say if it was abrupt or gradual, he only remembers his mind suddenly turning to how much he liked when she laughed to the shape of her legs, the trim line of her waist.
He'd masked that urge to stare since then, all too aware of her background and the men she'd dealt with.
But now she was here, in his bed, clearly asking to be looked at. And he isn't going to deny her that, as his gaze purposefully drops from her face to her chest and waist, seeing just a sliver of skin exposed from where the blanket's dropped down. ]
So much; the work's never really done. [ Haven't they just gotten started? ]
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It steals her breath away to see that look in his eye now, makes her glad for her darker complexion because it'll hide the flush on her cheeks far better than his skin will ever have a chance to. She feels warm all over, almost like she can feel the path his eyes track over her as if it were his hands mapping out the places on her body that capture his attention.
He's never looked at anyone that way, and she's never liked being looked at like that. It makes all of this feel even more surreal, goes even farther to convincing her this really is a dream. She'll wake up in her own cold bed and they'll go on with their lives like they always do.
If this is her only chance beating around the bush is starting to feel more and more detrimental, so she holds her hand out to him, beckons him closer.]
Come here.
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At her urging, he slots closer, cautiously puts his hand in hers and braces himself for a bad memory. Nothing happens and he's relieved. And now very curious to see what she wants. ]
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I mean lay down, Kaz. We don't have to get up yet.
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I wasn't sure about this. [ Really, part of him still isn't. He doesn't know if he trusts himself to figure out how to get over his problems. ]
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Her arm slips around his waist in return and she gives him a smile, small and warm.]
It doesn't show.
[You're doing well is what she means, what she hopes he hears but isn't foolish enough to say out loud.]
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Kaz tilts his head down to press his nose to the top of her head, the smell of her shampoo filling his senses. It's a little dimmer now and he thinks maybe he can catch how she smells underneath that. ]
Flatterer. [ The response is muffled, because he really doesn't want to move. And maybe he doesn't enunciate very well, feeling some tiredness creep in. ]
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[He knows her better than that. It's simply the truth, and he only proves it with what he's doing now. It's shocking to her how much she likes this, his nose in her hair and their arms curled around each other, but what surprises her the most is how he's made this happen by his own choice. He's the one who put an arm around her, who decided to nuzzle the top of her head.
She's never felt like this before and she wants to tell him, wants to let him know that this is special, but even now it feels too dangerous. The bubble will burst eventually and when it does she'll need to put the pieces back together. The less she reveals, the easier it will be to hide what this means.
But he deserves to know some of her truth.]
I want to kiss you again.
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No enacting a plan without considering it from as many angles as possible. It's probably not the right way to go about it, but it's what he has.
For now though, he's content like this, pressed close without any pressure to do anything else. He almost feels weightless. In several ways. ]
Then come kiss me. [ He pulls away from where he has his face pressed into her hair, catching her gaze with an almost cocky air. ]
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[She makes the humming sound while that small smile makes another appearance, amusement making her eyes a little brighter in the warm light filtering through his window and warming up their bed, finally. Amusement and warmth, clear affection, and she shakes her head.]
Not yet.
[Instead she pulls herself away from him, but only a little. Only enough to pull the covers up over her chest to make sure that when she slips her top off over her head, he won't actually see anything. He'll be stuck with the knowledge that she's now entirely naked next to him, under his covers where he can't see it just yet. She's exposed, vulnerable, and there for him to touch or look at only when he's ready.
It's to knock that cocky look off his face as much as it is to put the power in his hands so he doesn't have to be afraid of anything, honestly.
And then she shifts close again, reaching up to curl her fingers in his hair and bring his head down to hers.
Now, apparently, is when he gets his kiss. It's soft, not demanding, her lips brushing over his in an invitation for him to deepen it, but again she leaves all the power in his hands.]
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He might be staring a lot when she sits up and tugs her shirt off. Knowing she's bare under the blankets is almost too much to process and all he wants is to see. And alright, he wants to touch her, because he remembers how it felt earlier. How he could almost feel the pulse under her ribs.
When she leans in to kiss him, he meets it cautiously at first, testing his own body's reaction. His mind doesn't balk so he deepens it with a soft sound, one hand reaching up to skim down her fully bared back. ]
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He should be proud, but she doesn't pull back to tell him that. He puts his hand on her back and she curls toward him, almost near enough to touch his chest but still with a few inches separating their bodies. Still conscious of his space, even as he makes sounds that make her want to tip him over and pin him to the bed and kiss him senseless.
She's never wanted that. She had never been more than a passive partner in bed, but she also had never considered what it might be like to be allowed to have what she wanted rather than to follow the orders of someone paying for her. Maybe, because it's Kaz and he's the first person she can remember ever really wanting, everything will be different with him.
Would be different. If it went farther than this perfect, storybook morning.]
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Because he's never felt like this towards anyone, and there's been plenty of women who've worked with him in the Dregs. None of them were Inej though, with her quiet laugh and soft steps. Or her devotion to both the Saints and waffles in almost equal measure.
(Certainly, none of them have been a person he's nearly risked re-breaking his leg for while trying to carry their close to unconscious body).
His hand stops at the small of her back, settles in the dip there and tugs her closer. He wants to feel her weight settled atop him, however she decides to do that. ]
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She's not naive enough to think it was done because he had wanted her as a person. He wanted her skills, she knows that, is fine with it. These silly thoughts are just that, silly, secret things she would never be stupid enough to admit to out loud. No one with any sense would skip a beat in teasing her for it and it would only hurt her reputation, hurt his.
But it's still there. Hidden under layers of sense, that childish, romantic thought is still there.
When he tugs there's no resistance from her, just the gentle weight of her giving him what he wants and laying lightly against his chest. This is so much more intimate than before, her bare chest against his, one hand resting on his hip for balance so she doesn't topple completely on top of him. That he might want that isn't something she's considered just yet, but if he gave another tug she'd go right where he wanted her.]
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Then, he's dipping his head lower to kiss the side of her neck, wondering if he can leave a mark somehow. Or maybe she wouldn't want it? It would certainly be difficult to hide.
Instead, he settles for trying to pull her closer again, hoping she gets the message that it's ok. ]
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