[Now she does sit up, scoots closer until she's sitting beside him without touching. Like this it's easy to drape the covers over them both so he doesn't get cold, to share her body heat still without the contact she assumes will push him over the edge of what he can handle now.
She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
[ The mattress dips when she sits up and he breathes out, heart still feeling like he's run the length of the Barrel. One hand comes away from his face, fingers curling around the hem of the blanket, a physical tether that tells him definitively that he's not in danger of drowning. ]
I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
[ This is one of the qualities he likes about Inej. One of so many—because really, he likes all of her, every foible, flaw, or oddity— she tends to speak her mind. No pulled punches or attempts to cover something in sweetness that doesn't need it.
So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
[ Even without her reminder, he doesn't think he'll ever forget. Because for all of his planning and attempts to push her away, to make her appear less important in his life, he's still the boy who waited two days to talk to her. The one who wanted to say everything and anything, but could only blurt out a question he knew the answer to. Who could barely stand seeing her so still and washed out, his heart immediately racing into a panic.
What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
[It seems unfair that he would lay that at her feet and force her to answer or risk destroying this delicate connection they've formed, but even now she can't find it in herself to be angry at him. She's said it before and she doesn't mind saying it again.]
I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
[She can see it the moment he decides that he'll let her in, that she matters enough to him to go through the clear struggle this is to allow her to help him become everything she knows he can be. Adjusted, stronger because of it. Maybe happy, if he takes the time to learn what that feels like.
What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
[ He gives her a small but crooked smile in return, feeling both very sure of his decision and also deeply unsure. It's new territory. It's vulnerable, letting someone in this close. Every instinct wants to push away, every scrap of survival he learned telling him this isn't worth it.
(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
[That smile does more to warm her than any cup of tea, any warm fire, any blanket freshly brought in off the clothesline, and the funny flip her stomach does is both entirely welcome and a little surprising. She feels far too old to be affected by something so simple and yet her she is, counting down the minutes until she sees Nina again to tell her how right she was in the end.
Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
[ Inej lays back and Kaz goes with her, even though he wouldn't have minded just taking in the view. She looks good as she is, hair fanning out across her pillow. His pillow? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
[ His eyebrows go up at her comment, so unused to hearing such things from her. He's heard enough innuendo thrown around the Crow Club; it's a byproduct of everyone coming from the Barrel. No real need for manners or censoring their speech when they're rarely dealing with the merchers.
Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
[She's naked from the waist down still, shorts and underwear lost somewhere in his sheets, but she can't find it in her to care just yet. She wants more already, to chip away at his resolve until he belongs to her and there's no longer a need to worry about him shutting her out.
These are things she should shut out herself, but it's like a floodgate now, all rushing in and impossible to stop.
So she does something she knows is unkind, the sort of thing Nina would do to be tempting. She reaches up over her head with both arms and arches, a lavish stretch of her back that pulls her sleeveless shirt tight against her breasts, small though they may be. She doesn't have Nina's curves but here, with Kaz, she doesn't she needs them to be a distraction.]
[ True to form, his mind is already spinning with possibility. It's the problem solver in him, already putting together what he'd have to do to reinforce the walls. Really, it isn't a bad idea for a future improvement, would give them better insulation in general. ]
I—
[ He's torn out of his thoughts by the motion, glancing over to be met with....well, that. Sure is a sight. Somehow, it doesn't matter if he just got off mere minutes ago, he feels his mouth go dry and that telltale bit of warmth in his gut. ]
—yeah, maybe. [ What are they even talking about? ]
[Despite the fact that she played that card with the hope that it would get the response it does, she's still honestly surprised that it does. Here she had thought for so long that Kaz didn't care about people in this way, that he would never be tempted by something by something she just assumed he considered beneath him.
No one would have claim to buy into the idea that Kaz could be seduced and that's probably who no one has ever tried, so this? This is like a revelation, one Inej has no intention of ever letting leave this room.
She wouldn't have considered herself a jealous person before now, but... Well, this is a side to him she doesn't want to give to anyone else.]
What else would you do?
[The double meaning is there, clear as day but something she would never admit to if he called her on it. She means with the renovations, obviously. If her foot is brushing along his calf while she stretches that's just coincidence.]
[ In the past, he's never really looked before. When he'd visit the Menagerie or the other brothels, he never had the urge to stare at any of the women, even when they'd be trying their best to flaunt what they had.
And for a while, it was like that with Inej. He'd appreciated her competency, how quickly she'd caught on to things when she'd been brought on to the Dregs. At some point, that appreciation changed. Kaz can't say if it was abrupt or gradual, he only remembers his mind suddenly turning to how much he liked when she laughed to the shape of her legs, the trim line of her waist.
He'd masked that urge to stare since then, all too aware of her background and the men she'd dealt with.
But now she was here, in his bed, clearly asking to be looked at. And he isn't going to deny her that, as his gaze purposefully drops from her face to her chest and waist, seeing just a sliver of skin exposed from where the blanket's dropped down. ]
So much; the work's never really done. [ Haven't they just gotten started? ]
It steals her breath away to see that look in his eye now, makes her glad for her darker complexion because it'll hide the flush on her cheeks far better than his skin will ever have a chance to. She feels warm all over, almost like she can feel the path his eyes track over her as if it were his hands mapping out the places on her body that capture his attention.
He's never looked at anyone that way, and she's never liked being looked at like that. It makes all of this feel even more surreal, goes even farther to convincing her this really is a dream. She'll wake up in her own cold bed and they'll go on with their lives like they always do.
If this is her only chance beating around the bush is starting to feel more and more detrimental, so she holds her hand out to him, beckons him closer.]
[ If he looks closely, he thinks he can see her blush. Maybe. It's hard to tell with her complexion—unlike his, which in typical Kerch fashion would let everyone a mile away see him blush if he did.
At her urging, he slots closer, cautiously puts his hand in hers and braces himself for a bad memory. Nothing happens and he's relieved. And now very curious to see what she wants. ]
[ He goes with her tugging and settles back down, looping a...possibly possessive arm around her waist. It feels good, touching her so casually. Hard to imagine he's even doing it, especially after dreaming of it for longer than he'd like to admit. ]
I wasn't sure about this. [ Really, part of him still isn't. He doesn't know if he trusts himself to figure out how to get over his problems. ]
[Again he surprises her, but she gives him nothing but encouragement as she curls towards him when he reaches for her. Cuddling is maybe not what she had in mind, she just wanted them to be closer, to kiss him again, but it's impossible not to reach back when he shows her it's okay.
Her arm slips around his waist in return and she gives him a smile, small and warm.]
It doesn't show.
[You're doing well is what she means, what she hopes he hears but isn't foolish enough to say out loud.]
[ This is a lot of touch. Not as much as it had been a number of minuted ago, but she's still curled towards him, arms wrapped around his middle. Somehow, though, it's soothing, their shared warmth going down to his bones.
Kaz tilts his head down to press his nose to the top of her head, the smell of her shampoo filling his senses. It's a little dimmer now and he thinks maybe he can catch how she smells underneath that. ]
Flatterer. [ The response is muffled, because he really doesn't want to move. And maybe he doesn't enunciate very well, feeling some tiredness creep in. ]
[He knows her better than that. It's simply the truth, and he only proves it with what he's doing now. It's shocking to her how much she likes this, his nose in her hair and their arms curled around each other, but what surprises her the most is how he's made this happen by his own choice. He's the one who put an arm around her, who decided to nuzzle the top of her head.
She's never felt like this before and she wants to tell him, wants to let him know that this is special, but even now it feels too dangerous. The bubble will burst eventually and when it does she'll need to put the pieces back together. The less she reveals, the easier it will be to hide what this means.
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She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
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I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
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[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
But you know where I'd be if you hadn't saved me.
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So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
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[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
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What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
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I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
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That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
I won't make you wait long.
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What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
It's okay if you do. I can wait.
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(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
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Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
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If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
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[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
Nothing. Hopefully he knows it.]
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Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
Not a bad idea.
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[She's naked from the waist down still, shorts and underwear lost somewhere in his sheets, but she can't find it in her to care just yet. She wants more already, to chip away at his resolve until he belongs to her and there's no longer a need to worry about him shutting her out.
These are things she should shut out herself, but it's like a floodgate now, all rushing in and impossible to stop.
So she does something she knows is unkind, the sort of thing Nina would do to be tempting. She reaches up over her head with both arms and arches, a lavish stretch of her back that pulls her sleeveless shirt tight against her breasts, small though they may be. She doesn't have Nina's curves but here, with Kaz, she doesn't she needs them to be a distraction.]
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I—
[ He's torn out of his thoughts by the motion, glancing over to be met with....well, that. Sure is a sight. Somehow, it doesn't matter if he just got off mere minutes ago, he feels his mouth go dry and that telltale bit of warmth in his gut. ]
—yeah, maybe. [ What are they even talking about? ]
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No one would have claim to buy into the idea that Kaz could be seduced and that's probably who no one has ever tried, so this? This is like a revelation, one Inej has no intention of ever letting leave this room.
She wouldn't have considered herself a jealous person before now, but... Well, this is a side to him she doesn't want to give to anyone else.]
What else would you do?
[The double meaning is there, clear as day but something she would never admit to if he called her on it. She means with the renovations, obviously. If her foot is brushing along his calf while she stretches that's just coincidence.]
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And for a while, it was like that with Inej. He'd appreciated her competency, how quickly she'd caught on to things when she'd been brought on to the Dregs. At some point, that appreciation changed. Kaz can't say if it was abrupt or gradual, he only remembers his mind suddenly turning to how much he liked when she laughed to the shape of her legs, the trim line of her waist.
He'd masked that urge to stare since then, all too aware of her background and the men she'd dealt with.
But now she was here, in his bed, clearly asking to be looked at. And he isn't going to deny her that, as his gaze purposefully drops from her face to her chest and waist, seeing just a sliver of skin exposed from where the blanket's dropped down. ]
So much; the work's never really done. [ Haven't they just gotten started? ]
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It steals her breath away to see that look in his eye now, makes her glad for her darker complexion because it'll hide the flush on her cheeks far better than his skin will ever have a chance to. She feels warm all over, almost like she can feel the path his eyes track over her as if it were his hands mapping out the places on her body that capture his attention.
He's never looked at anyone that way, and she's never liked being looked at like that. It makes all of this feel even more surreal, goes even farther to convincing her this really is a dream. She'll wake up in her own cold bed and they'll go on with their lives like they always do.
If this is her only chance beating around the bush is starting to feel more and more detrimental, so she holds her hand out to him, beckons him closer.]
Come here.
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At her urging, he slots closer, cautiously puts his hand in hers and braces himself for a bad memory. Nothing happens and he's relieved. And now very curious to see what she wants. ]
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I mean lay down, Kaz. We don't have to get up yet.
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I wasn't sure about this. [ Really, part of him still isn't. He doesn't know if he trusts himself to figure out how to get over his problems. ]
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Her arm slips around his waist in return and she gives him a smile, small and warm.]
It doesn't show.
[You're doing well is what she means, what she hopes he hears but isn't foolish enough to say out loud.]
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Kaz tilts his head down to press his nose to the top of her head, the smell of her shampoo filling his senses. It's a little dimmer now and he thinks maybe he can catch how she smells underneath that. ]
Flatterer. [ The response is muffled, because he really doesn't want to move. And maybe he doesn't enunciate very well, feeling some tiredness creep in. ]
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[He knows her better than that. It's simply the truth, and he only proves it with what he's doing now. It's shocking to her how much she likes this, his nose in her hair and their arms curled around each other, but what surprises her the most is how he's made this happen by his own choice. He's the one who put an arm around her, who decided to nuzzle the top of her head.
She's never felt like this before and she wants to tell him, wants to let him know that this is special, but even now it feels too dangerous. The bubble will burst eventually and when it does she'll need to put the pieces back together. The less she reveals, the easier it will be to hide what this means.
But he deserves to know some of her truth.]
I want to kiss you again.
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