ketterdamn

[Her reaction now as he explores and feels her at his leisure is all too telling, broadcasting with no room for doubt just how okay she is with this. Her eyes are half closed, eyelids fluttering as she bites down on her lip to keep from making any embarrassing sounds while he plays with her. She could do this forever, just let him explore and tease, and never get tired of it. Her hips move with his hand, rocking to chase every touch, and she's so close to asking for more, another finger, if he wants her to touch him like this.

But then he speaks, says something so outlandish that her eyes snap open again.]

What?

[She hears the shock in her voice that matches the nerves she hears in his, but- did she hear him right?]

When?

[ Right now, there are no ghosts between them for once. Not his, with their greedy hands wanting to drag him under and into the harbor water, people long past dead and gone. Nor for her; no sign of Tante Helen's cruelty or the anonymous touch of horrible men.

No, Inej is sighing and shifting, trusting him with so much. Her eyes are lidded, lashes fanning nearly to her cheeks. Even with her shirt rucked up and leg pressed between his, he's enraptured by her face the most—every minute flicker of her eyebrows, the way her mouth goes a bit slack around the edges when he touches her a certain way.

He might still be staring a little when she glanced up at him, normally sharp attention softened by the haze of wanting. ]

When you got dressed in the morning. [ She had pulled her pants on, going on tip toe briefly. After, she'd shaken her braid out to redo it, the dark curtain of her hair swept over one shoulder; he hadn't been able to stop staring and he'd been sure his heartbeat was loud enough to be heard. ]

[What he says is so impossible to believe that she almost can't, but she's too distracted to follow the line of thought right now. She will, she'll trace it back down to the source, but first she needs to show him what she needs, how to touch her. A finger inside her is good, but she's feeling selfish enough, greedy enough and safe enough to seek out more.

She guides his touch again, moving his thumb so that it presses to the swell of her clit.]

Right there. Rub with your thumb right there and- [Her voice catches already, a shivery little moan escaping from between her pursed lips that she can't quite hold back, but if they've gone this far and she has to accept he'll be hearing more of those sounds.] Use another finger inside.

[She feels so tight around the one he has buried in her already, but she aches to feel filled up by him, to feel his clever fingers working at her like she's so rarely allowed herself to think about late at night in the darkness of her own room.]

I would have let you.

[It feels like so much to admit, but this new honesty between them is something she doesn't want to risk shattering by lying now.]

I will let you.

[After this. If he wanted it after this.]

[ He startles, just a bit, when her hand repositions his. It only shows in the flex of his fingers and the moment passes, his attention diverting to what she's saying. There's something thrilling about being told exactly whether to touch—and well, she seems just as affected if that moan is any indication.

Ask and she shall receive; he rubs his thumb in slow circles before slotting a second finger in alongside the first. While it's not the tightest fit, it's noticeably more of a squeeze and he swallows, thinking about something that isn't fingers.

No, ok, focus.

If there's one thing he's good at, it's using his hands. He applies that skill here, alternating how much pressure he adds with his thumb and carefully starting to slide his fingers in and out. ]

What else will you let me do?

[It seems cruel to her that he expects her to continue to carry out this conversation when he starts to move his fingers just how she wanted him to, his clever fingers working out just how to touch and stroke as easily as he'd pick a lock. It's cliche and she knows it, but how often has she looked at his hands and not thought of them as dirty at all? How many times has she watched him with his lockpicks and wondered what it would be like if he applied that dexterity to something more intimate?

It's good to know she was so very, very right, but she's hardly in a position to gloat at the moment. Whatever upper hand she might have had is quickly slipping but if she's honest with herself she isn't terribly upset by that.

What else would she let him do? Everything. Anything he wanted, but tipping her hand so completely at this point is just enough to make worry curl in her stomach alongside the hot coil of desire he's knotting up while his fingers delve deeper into her. What if he got his fill and decided it wasn't worth it? What if she wasn't enough for him to put aside his aversion to being touched? What if this is her only chance to ever see him let his guard down?

She has to lick her lips and focus hard before she answers him, but even then her voice is higher, breathy when she speaks to show just how much he's getting to her.]

What do you want, Kaz? Tell me.

[ Expecting a coherent answer is probably pretty silly at this point. That is, if she's feeling anything like he does when her thigh rubs against him. From the sound of it, he's guessing it's similar, which has him completely enraptured.

She's beautiful like this; hair mussed out of its braid, eyes closed, her whole body seeming to arch towards his touch. Frankly, it's something he never thought he'd see. Something he never thought he'd have the courage to do anything about. He's nervous even now that a switch will flip in his mind at any second, that he'll be too reminded of the harbor and feel that sensation of drowning. It's always lurking, like an undertow ready to pull someone in.

Kaz slowly breathes out, tugs his thoughts away from the unpleasant and concentrates on giving her what she wants. She's having some difficulty forming the sentence, words higher pitched and uneven.

What does he want? The answer is difficult and easy all at once. How much does he say? How much will she believe? He leans his forehead against hers, voice low as if he's afraid someone else will overhear. ]

I just want you. [ He wants to be there to watch her feed the crows on the sill, or for all those moments she turns that bright smile towards him. The only question is whether he'll be enough. ]

[Just like she thought, speaking is going to ruin this. She wants to tell him he's always had her, will always have her, that she won't leave him for long even if she does have to part with him because her pride won't let him get in her way anymore. All of those things are too much even with this new level of trust they're sharing, too intimate even though he's got his fingers buried in her, even though she's riding on the edge of the first orgasm in years caused by someone other than her.

So she pulls him in and kisses him again so they don't have to speak, so they can just fumble through as much of this as they can stand. Her mouth against his is more demanding this time, lips parted, and her thigh only stops rubbing up against his erection so that her hand can replace it.

She cups him lightly through cloth because she wants him to feel safe, palm rubbing up and down the length of him even as her hips rock and stutter against his hand. His answer isn't enough, she wants more specifics, but if he doesn't stop her now she'll at least have some idea of what he's willing to try with her.]

[ Other words were supposed to follow that up, but they're lost now. Lost in the slant of her mouth to his and he can't even bring himself to care about retrieving them.

(Later, he will. Or maybe they both will).

He matches her, beat for beat, the kiss edged with something like determination. All of that is immediately derailed when her hand curls around his cock—he can't help the groan that comes out, nor the immediate jerk of his hips. The rub of his fingers stutters for that short moment before he remembers to keep moving, wanting more of that sensation of her rocking into every push and pull. It's enough that it's sending visceral pangs down his spine, imagination filling in what it might feel like to put his mouth on her instead of his hand. ]

[She's never heard him make that sound before and it's incredibly distracting, even does the job of staving off her orgasm as she puts all her focus into cataloging the noises she can draw from him, what breaks him out of that determined way he's kissing her so he's not thinking of it as a puzzle to solve. She wants him in the moment, lost to feeling, so she squeezes him lightly and nips at his bottom lip with the hope that she'll pull him even farther into the deep end with her.

She goes slow but steady as she strokes him, wanting to keep him worked up and not thinking. There are things she could do to make this end so quickly and yet she's finding she wants to draw it out and keep him in this headspace, safe and vulnerable and letting himself feel human contact instead of locking his heart away.

A heart that beats faster for her. Nina was many things, but with Inej she had never been a liar.

Her thighs flex tightly around Kaz's hand, hips jerking erratically as she gets so, so close. One more deep push of his fingers, one more pass over her clit with his thumb and she'll be a goner.]

[ Over time, he's gotten used to being the planner, the one with the ideas; his mind is built for it, never easily giving over to distraction. None of that matters here, because all he can currently think about is the curve of Inej's hand, the way her teeth catch on his lip, how she seems to get tighter around his fingers with every push.

There's no time for forethought, just chasing how good everything feels. He can't stop himself from shifting into her touch, breath hitching on each pass. Everything outside of this feels so distant and this, well, it's like a dream, complete with hazy edges.

He manages to get some of his scattered thoughts back, enough to bring his focus back on getting her off. She's wet enough now that his thumb keeps slipping, though it's made it easier for him to slide his fingers in and out. Is she close? She must be, every muscle seems poised for something. His fingers push in deeper and curl, thumb pressing with just a bit more pressure—he wants to see her shake apart or let out one of those sounds from earlier. ]

[Everything all happening at once is too much to keep track of, she finds, and it means that something has to give. Not touching him is out of the question, as is not rocking against his hand, so it's the kiss that she breaks off. Forehead pressed to his again she gasps for a helpless breath, unsure if she'll ever be able to breathe again with how worked up he's gotten her.

Distantly, she imagines the things the men who bought her at the Menagerie would say if they saw her responding this way. They would call hee wanton, a white, worse things. There would only be shame and pain if men who paid to bed her made her come. This isn't natural, shouldn't be what happens, but now, with Kaz being the first to show her how it can be, how safe she can be in his bed and under his hands, the only thing she feels is lucky.

But will it stop if she does come? Will gis curiosity be satisfied? Will he let her finish him off? How far is too far?]

Kaz-

[But her attempt to check his intentions after fail the moment she gets his name out. She comes with the taste of his name on her lips and a tight clench around his wonderful fingers, thighs clamping down on his hand as she shivers and shakes apart just for him.

It's the best orgasm of her life and she says his name again like a prayer, whispers it like she does the names of her knives.]

[ The kiss breaks off but they're still pressed so close that he can't mind too much. He likes it like this, their bodies nearly fit together like puzzle pieces, Inej trusting him not to push too much, letting him take this at his own pace. Because he's had every possibility of stopping if it became too much.

Right now though, he's glad he hasn't had to. Soon enough, she's coming undone, body tending up. He feels the flutter of her muscles against his hand and lets out a soft groan, feeling some more heat curl in his middle. Slowly, he slides his fingers out and uses his other hand to pet a line down her back while she puts herself back together.

Dimly, he's aware she's still touching him, but he's more interested in what she'll do rather than doing anything about it himself. ]

[There's a horrible moment right after she's come that dread settles like a cold rock in her belly. Sex isn't supposed to be like this, it isn't supposed to be nice, and instead of melting against him like she should her whole body tenses up tight as she waits for the shoe to drop.

... But of course it doesn't. Slowly, sense returns to her. The facts return and she reminds herself that he is not some faceless man, she isn't dressed in silks, and this isn't the Menagerie. Sex was awful.

That doesn't have to be true anymore.

Kaz is kind, in his way. She is safe and this is his bed and she lets out another sigh, relief and exhaustion all rolled into one as finally her body collapses against his chest. She just lays there like that, forehead against his collarbone, lets his warmth soothe away the coldness that had encroached on her thanks to memories of a time before he saved her.

He's always saving her. A small smile tugs her lips as she thinks of that, and finally she becomes aware once more of the fact that that was very one-sided. He still has so far to go and she wants to help him the way he's helped her, help him past the reluctance to be touched. Her lips find his neck, her hand moves along his length, and then she decides to offer more.

Her free hand moves to push his pants down his hips, free his cock from the confines of the restrictive fabric so that he rests against the bare, soft skin of her thigh. Shifting closer means he can almost slot right between her thighs, but Inej is very aware that this is already going quite far for him.

Eyes on his, she tries him out, wraps her fingers oh so loosely around the base of his cock to stroke him from root to tip with nothing at all in the way.]

[ She tenses up in a different way and he pauses, wondering if he did something wrong. Or if he tipped her off into her past somehow– he knows exactly how that can be, how it can creep up on a person without warning. Kaz remains still, lays a loose hand on her shoulder in an attempt to be comforting.

(Is that helping? He has no idea).

When she rolls towards him, he relaxes, loops his one arm around her middle because he's greedy and wants to keep her close like this. She's a solid weight against him, the soft huff of her breathing somehow calming. The motionlessness doesn't last too long. Soon enough, she's kissing his neck, her hand sliding down and pushing the waistband of his shorts out of the way.

Kaz tenses up at the touch, every nerve attuned and so unused to being touched at all. Automatically, he can feel the initial panic he's used to, the threat of a tide ready to drag him in. Of weight of different bodies and he feels much smaller than he is for those flicker of seconds. He breathes in slowly and focuses on the slope of her shoulder, the way he can feel her heartbeat against his chest.

Shakily, he breathes out, nodding shortly because he wants to try. ]

[It does help, and the simple fact that he tries goes a long way in banishing those unwanted thoughts. To think that this would ever be possible, that they could make it to this place of simply laying in bed comforting each other through their trauma... Well, she never even entertained the idea before now because, even now, experiencing it, it feels so unreal. Impossible.

Just as impossible as Kaz encouraging her to touch him. All of it is unbelievable.]

You're here with me. Just keep your eyes on me.

[Her voice is pitched low, lips tickling against his neck as she speaks, giving him something to ground himself with as her hand tightens up a little to hold him more securely. She strokes him as slowly as she can, long pulls up and down the length of him, shivering herself at the feel of him so hot and hard in her hand, patient enough to work him up for however long it may take.

Would he let her use her mouth? Just the idea makes her lick her lips, eyes hazy with desire despite the fact that she's already come herself.]

Before you asked me what I would let you do... Can't you guess?

[ Her speaking up helps, it keeps him grounded in the moment, keeps his mind from turning to the past. He shivers, briefly, at the motion of her lips against his neck, hips twitching up as she grips him more firmly. The feeling of water starts to fade in the face of her touch, every stroke pulling him further and further away from his memories.

Eventually, he sighs out, tension fully leaving his body and the pleasure re-settling back in. ]

Surprise me. [ It's a risk but he wants to know what she'll do. He doesn't have enough experience– with this, or with her in this scenario– to formulate a theory.

There's also the fact that his mind isn't working at its peak currently, a bit distracted by the slow stroke of her hand. ]

[She doesn't change much about the way she touches him until she gets that sigh, that telltale bleed of worry that comes right before he trusts himself to her just like she had trusted him to be kind to her, and when that moment does come she feels overwhelmed by it. How many people has Kaz ever trusted like this? How many since his brother has he allowed this close, to see this vulnerable side to him? This feels like a gift, one she can't squander, and she moves her free hand up to cup the side of his face and guide him into the softest kiss she can manage.

There's more in it than there should be, shadows of just how much she cares about him, but if he can see it, feel it, she has no idea. It just feels necessary now to to support him however she can.

But what he says makes her smile again, her lips curving up against his.]

I will. [Not quite cocky, but she leaves little room for doubting that.] But the answer was going to be very simple.

[Very carefully, aware that moving his body might spark some feeling of panic if she doesn't do it slow and gentle, she nudges herself up against him until she has him laying on his back, her hovering over his body with her knees braced on either side of his thigh. Her hand is still around him, still moving slow and languid for him, and she starts a path of kisses down his jaw, over his neck. She presses her lips to his collarbone and nips, so lightly, just a hint of teeth to get him to focus on sensation, here and now.

By the time she lays the most gentle kiss over his heart, hand squeezing his length a little tighter, she wonders if he gets the idea, understands the destination she has in mind.]

[ He honestly can't put into words how relieved he is that she's willing to do this. Willing to let him work through his knee-jerk reactions; he wants to be enough for her, wants to be better than some broken person out of the Barrel. She deserves more and they both know it.

But here she is, leaning in with a soft kiss, one he returns with as much gratefulness he can muster. He gets the feeling there's something unspoken passing between them right now, an exchange he can only fully know his side of. The most specific he can tell is that she's happy, that she doesn't feel unsafe, and that's really all he can ask for.

When the kiss breaks, he tilts his head at her answer, curious to see where this is going. As she works her way down, he gets the idea, nerves alight with anticipation. Every touch feels just shy of overwhelming, a sign it hasn't happened often, and he ends up squirming a bit when she nips at his collarbone. It's followed by a heated rush in his stomach, worked up over so little. ]

You're sure? [ Inej doesn't do anything she's unsure of, but he wants to know, needs to hear it. ]

[But that isn't true at all, she does far too many things that she isn't personally sure of. The thing is that those orders come down from Kaz, from the mind that puts everything he has into the best plan, sees every angle, and so she doesn't have to be sure. She trusts him, so she doesn't think twice when it comes to him.

That that should apply to sex as well is something she hasn't ever considered, but here they are.]

I am if you are.

[If he's ready. She had felt a little guilty all those weeks ago when she had asked him, how would you have me? Clothes on, back to you so we can't even kiss, because it had been a low blow, something she knew then that she shouldn't throw into his face. She hadn't regretted saying it when it was something they needed to address if he was serious, but... Well, there could have been a better way.

This is better, with her taking it slow, him shivery and watchful but eager. He's still hard in her hand, still more than willing physically, and so she keeps her downward path going. Kisses to his chest, her tongue just barely brushing a nipple. Drifting lower lets her scrape her teeth over the flat plane of his stomach, suck a light mark into the curve of his hipbone.

She's so close now, hand wrapped around him, hair trailing over his leg as she looks up at him.]

Okay?

[Can she wrap her lips around him?]

[ Is he ready? In some ways, it doesn't feel like it. He's trying to guess what will happen next, where she'll touch, anything to make sure his mind is ready for it. But even with a somewhat predictable path, Inej is still herself, her actions dictated by whatever her whim happens to be. The part of him that likes plans, likes the clean lines of a ledger—that's frustrated, a nervousness welling up in increments.

Thankfully, that's a much smaller voice to the one that wants to urge her to continue, every brush of her lips making his skin feel more sensitive, feverish. His back arches as she gets lower, a low groan escaping when she leaves a mark on his hip. Let her leave all the marks she wants, it tells the story loud and clear who he belongs to. ]

Yeah, can you— [ Kaz reaches down, holds his hand out for hers, feeling like he could use the grounding. ]

[Out of everything, that surprised Inej the most, feels more intimate than anything else ever possibly could. He offers her his hand, bare, and wants her to take it.

There's something so soft and warm and loving in her eyes as she shifts to take his hand, holding on tightly and lacing their fingers together like she's afraid he'll change his mind if she gives him the chance.

Kaz Brekker, holding her hand. It feels like a miracle.]

It's okay if you need to stop. Just say the word, Kaz.

[She means it, trusts him to know she does, trusts him to know his limits. She starts out so soft, so easy, just leans in to press the most gentle kiss to the very tip of his cock. She leaves it there, lets him feel that, and then slowly, so slowly her lips part.

It's only a fraction of an inch she lets her lips wrap around, warm and wet and her tongue brushing his skin to taste him, but she knows him. Even this might be too much.]

[ She takes hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he feels a little anxiety lessen. The flex of her fingers on his is a constant reminder to keep him in the present, helps him shove the feeling of rising water back. He gives her a quick half-smile in return, concentration pointed on keeping himself from giving in to the bad memories.

And if he needs to, he knows they can stop. Knows Inej won't judge him for it, even if he also knows he'll feel a pang of disappointment.

Because he does want this, it's written in nearly every line of his body right now, from the way his breath immediately hitches when she puts her mouth on him to how his hips shift. A warm flush floods through him when she starts wrap her lips around his cock and he lets out a loud sigh, shaky and wanting. ]

[She rests their linked hands against his hip where he can see that connection and feel it too, where when he looks down his body and sees lips around the crown of his cock he'll see their hands, his pale fingers and her dark skin a beautiful, safe contrast.

She has him, he's safe.

And eager, if the sounds he's made are any indication. She trained herself to be good at reading the body language of the men in her bed, to tell who was happy and who was not, and everything about Kaz right now tells her she's doing well, to keep going. When he moves she doesn't chase him, just opens her mouth a little wider to let him sink past her lips and slide back out when he stills again. Let him squirm, find what's comfortable for him. He could hold her head still in his hands and fuck her mouth if he wanted and she'd be happy to let him.

When his hips rest on the bed again she sinks down a little more, sucks lightly to show him how good that can feel.]

[ The thing he knew, keenly, was that humans were social creatures. Touch was a part of their life, even if he had done everything in his power not to come too close to anyone in that regard. And the thing he suspected was that it would backfire in some way, because one doesn't just tell nature fuck you without some consequence. Kaz may not believe in a god or Saints, but he does believe in karma.

So here's his karma: every nerve feels way more sensitive from the lack over the years. The simplest bit of pressure has him squirming, anything more eliciting a gasp or a low groan. Inej is barely doing anything but the moment she sinks lower, he can feel his toes curl, hips shifting up to chase the feeling.

There's a moment where he glances down and holds her gaze, only to break off again at the sight, swallowing hard. ]

[Hmm. Maybe there was something to that after all.

She won't feel pity for how he struggles when he's doing everything he can to keep going and honestly doing better than she could have expected, but she can adjust. She can make it easier. When she pulls up this time she pulls all the way off him, licking her lips as she goes and thinking absently to herself that while she might not have missed doing this, she likes the way Kaz tastes.]

I have an idea. Something different. Trust me.

[He will. She doesn't wait, just shifts down more until she's lying on her side beside him and guiding him up onto his own side, facing her. It's how they were spooning, only tremendously different now that her mouth is at the perfect height for him to just slip his cock right into. Her hand guides his to her hair, makes him tangle his fingers up in it for something to hold onto.]

You don't have to hold back. Just move how you need to and find what you like.

[And then she leans in, takes him all the way into her mouth with one quick motion, and... stops. It's up to him now.]

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