[ After a few beats, he has to close his eyes, overwhelmed by sight and by the feel of what she's doing. He's stuck between feeling too much and not enough, the feverish heat under his skin demanding more. The haze of it has him giving her a bit of a dazed reaction when she pulls away and he blinks, gaze immediately dropping to her mouth.
(It's not like he could look away when she's licking her lips like that).
At her urging, he shifts on his side, careful to stretch out his bad leg so it wouldn't cramp and lock up. She starts her way back down, only the barest of touches as she does, until she ends up where she was aiming for. Kaz feels his pulse pick up at her suggestion, slowly and carefully reaches down to tangle his fingers in her hair. It's as soft as he imagined and he spends a few precious seconds running his hand through the strands, watching the sheen of it change with the light.
Only a few seconds though, because soon she's leaning in and swallowing him down. He settles his hand at the back of her neck, fingers partially tangled in her hair, hips shifting forward just a bit. Her mouth is hot and wet and she has no hesitation—that last part is what leads him to rock back and then in again, letting out a low "fuck". ]
[The way he touches her is so distracting, so difficult to reconcile with her long established views of who Kaz is that she just can't wrap her head around why he treats her like something so precious. She's his spider, his Wraith, and the concept of him thinking of her as anything more than an asset is still too new and strange to really have accepted or wrapped her head around.
But he touches her like she means everything to him and her eyelids flutter closed, warmth pooling in her that has nothing to do with arousal. She would be hesitant to admit it, but this kind of affection is something she's wanted from him for ages.
She has it now, and has so much more that her heart is soaring. He's taking his pleasure for what she is sure is the first time, making sounds that make her answer with the softest moan of her own while he thrusts past her lips into the wet heat of her mouth. She uses her tongue as he moves, stroking it along his length or over the sensitive head to give him even more sensation, hand against his hip to encourage him, give him the pull forward he might need to know it's okay to keep going, to go deeper if he wishes to.]
[ Truthfully, he's thought about this quite often. Maybe not this exact thing, because his imagination is only so good when lacking crucial information. Still, he's had dreams of this, of her bringing him off with her hand. Or simply sitting back and letting him do all the work—he wouldn't mind, it's the least she deserves.
The only downside is that reality is much more potent than fiction. Her making those sounds in return, the way her tongue curls on the underside of his cock, how soft her hair is in his hand; he isn't going to last by any measure. He can tell he's close to the edge, tension building that much more when she pulls him forward, encouraging. ]
Inej, I'm— [ His words cut off with a low moan when he pushes in a little deeper, cock leaking a bit in response. ]
[Once upon a time, the fact that this act didn't take long would be something that filled Inej with dread. How many times had it been drilled into them that no one paid the prices the Menagerie demanded only to have everything be over and done with in a few thrusts? Men wanted the worth of what they paid for and an early release is something Inej had come to associate with retribution in one form or another.
But that was then and the Menagerie is so far away from her thoughts that that girl might as well not even exist now. Instead knowing she's close to tipping Kaz over the edge makes her happy, makes her feel almost desperate to see him come. She wants him to feel as good as she did, to know he can have this if he only reaches out for her like this when he wants her.
So she makes a noise around his cock, a low and eager mmhmm to tell him yes, do it, finish in her mouth, everything is fine. She certainly doesn't stop, moving her hand along his length now too to urge him to spill into her mouth, her greedy tongue stroking and cheeks hollowing out as she does her best to get him there.]
[ The smallest fraction of him wants this to last longer, wants this freedom in not recoiling from touch. His mind is about as far away from the harbor as possible, only focused on Inej.
Inej, who hasn't pulled away; she touches him some more, that muffled noise sliding right through him. He glances down, sees her take his cock further in, the subtle flush on her cheeks and the way they hollow out briefly. Kaz feels his own blush deepen before he comes with a quiet sigh, tension bleeding out of his muscles. For a few moments, he just catches his breath before coming back to himself and moving his hand away from the back of her neck. ]
Hey, come here. [ His voice comes out scratchier than usual, though it's less demanding and more of a request. ]
[She takes those few moments he's breathless and recovering to duck her head and swallow, finding the salt taste of him not as bad as she remembered it being. Something that still believes in romance tells her it's because it's Kaz, a man she wants to share her bed and her body with, but she packs that away with all the other foolish wishes, the flickering flame she carries for Kaz Brekker.
Come here, he says, and she lifts her head to look up at him with faint surprise before she shifts to lay beside him properly. She's left just a little space between them, just enough for his comfort, but she rests her hand in the space between them.
His to take or leave if he wants it. A small sign that she's still his to touch how he wants. She's quiet as she waits for what comes next, steeled for either outcome and trying not to expect the worst.
But it's difficult. This is, after all, Kaz Brekker.]
[ It feels like all of his nerves are humming, a sensation he's used to having after a heist or a job well done. The difference here is that he isn't full of adrenaline, that rush of energy that would normally keep him up through the rest of the day or night. He's starting to feel the opposite, mind suspiciously blank of anything; he has no plans on remedying that right now.
Instead, he waits for Inej to lie down next to him, placing his hand over hers without any hesitation. Will that suffice in place of the words that he's having a hard time with? Will she even accept that? He threads their fingers together, a less desperate imitation of earlier, letting out a quiet sigh though his nose. ]
You're alright? [ Kaz meets her gaze briefly, questioning. ]
[There's no helping the strange look she gives him at that question, but rather than point out that it's kind of a silly one when he hadn't done anything even remotely painful to her she just nods her head and reaches out to put her free hand on his cheek. Warm and real and fine, she gives him a gentle smile.]
I'm good.
[Not fine, not okay. Good, so there can be no question about it.]
[ He relaxes a bit when she smiles, knows the answer before it's even said (though it is nice to hear). She puts her hand on his cheek and he turns into it, liking the small touches.
That is, until he becomes more keenly aware of the sticky feeling on his skin; like coming down from a fever, like the drying process of harbor water. Kaz tries not to jerk away, instead withdraws his hand from hers and sits up, a cold wash of dread filling him. His breath catches and he puts his head in his shaking hands, reminding himself this isn't the past. He's safe in the Slat, it's morning, there's a pile of papers on his desk he needs to go through, a ledger of numbers he wanted to complete.
Jordie isn't here, won't be here, can never be here. Even if it still feels like his ghost fills the spaces between. ]
Tell me something. [ Anything. The silence makes it too easy to hear the rush of water. ]
[She can see the moment his baggage comes crashing down on him, where that sweet boy who had wanted to hold her hand turns back into what everyone is so used to seeing. She tries not to feel pity when it would only make him angry, feel worse, but she can't help wishing that she had done something different, been able to distract him a little better.
And now he wants her to speak? To help him with the demon of his past when she still doesn't even know what they are beyond something that's made it impossible to touch him?
She doesn't sit up with him. Instead she rolls onto her back beside him and pull the covers up over her body, wondering if whatever is wrong will be helped if he can't see so much of her bare body.
What can she possibly say to fix this?]
I've thought about doing this too. I have for a long time.
[ The sheets rustle when she moves and he can only guess that she's rolled over. Probably pulled the blankets up because the room isn't exactly warm. All of this helps pull his mind away from the shaking in his limbs, away from the memories of churning waves, a bone deep exhaustion. ]
How long? [ It comes out a little strained, though he genuinely wants to know. How long have they been dancing around this? How long has it taken him to clue in? ]
[Now she does sit up, scoots closer until she's sitting beside him without touching. Like this it's easy to drape the covers over them both so he doesn't get cold, to share her body heat still without the contact she assumes will push him over the edge of what he can handle now.
She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
[ The mattress dips when she sits up and he breathes out, heart still feeling like he's run the length of the Barrel. One hand comes away from his face, fingers curling around the hem of the blanket, a physical tether that tells him definitively that he's not in danger of drowning. ]
I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
[ This is one of the qualities he likes about Inej. One of so many—because really, he likes all of her, every foible, flaw, or oddity— she tends to speak her mind. No pulled punches or attempts to cover something in sweetness that doesn't need it.
So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
[ Even without her reminder, he doesn't think he'll ever forget. Because for all of his planning and attempts to push her away, to make her appear less important in his life, he's still the boy who waited two days to talk to her. The one who wanted to say everything and anything, but could only blurt out a question he knew the answer to. Who could barely stand seeing her so still and washed out, his heart immediately racing into a panic.
What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
[It seems unfair that he would lay that at her feet and force her to answer or risk destroying this delicate connection they've formed, but even now she can't find it in herself to be angry at him. She's said it before and she doesn't mind saying it again.]
I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
[She can see it the moment he decides that he'll let her in, that she matters enough to him to go through the clear struggle this is to allow her to help him become everything she knows he can be. Adjusted, stronger because of it. Maybe happy, if he takes the time to learn what that feels like.
What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
[ He gives her a small but crooked smile in return, feeling both very sure of his decision and also deeply unsure. It's new territory. It's vulnerable, letting someone in this close. Every instinct wants to push away, every scrap of survival he learned telling him this isn't worth it.
(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
[That smile does more to warm her than any cup of tea, any warm fire, any blanket freshly brought in off the clothesline, and the funny flip her stomach does is both entirely welcome and a little surprising. She feels far too old to be affected by something so simple and yet her she is, counting down the minutes until she sees Nina again to tell her how right she was in the end.
Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
[ Inej lays back and Kaz goes with her, even though he wouldn't have minded just taking in the view. She looks good as she is, hair fanning out across her pillow. His pillow? Whatever, it doesn't matter.
If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
[ His eyebrows go up at her comment, so unused to hearing such things from her. He's heard enough innuendo thrown around the Crow Club; it's a byproduct of everyone coming from the Barrel. No real need for manners or censoring their speech when they're rarely dealing with the merchers.
Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
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(It's not like he could look away when she's licking her lips like that).
At her urging, he shifts on his side, careful to stretch out his bad leg so it wouldn't cramp and lock up. She starts her way back down, only the barest of touches as she does, until she ends up where she was aiming for. Kaz feels his pulse pick up at her suggestion, slowly and carefully reaches down to tangle his fingers in her hair. It's as soft as he imagined and he spends a few precious seconds running his hand through the strands, watching the sheen of it change with the light.
Only a few seconds though, because soon she's leaning in and swallowing him down. He settles his hand at the back of her neck, fingers partially tangled in her hair, hips shifting forward just a bit. Her mouth is hot and wet and she has no hesitation—that last part is what leads him to rock back and then in again, letting out a low "fuck". ]
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But he touches her like she means everything to him and her eyelids flutter closed, warmth pooling in her that has nothing to do with arousal. She would be hesitant to admit it, but this kind of affection is something she's wanted from him for ages.
She has it now, and has so much more that her heart is soaring. He's taking his pleasure for what she is sure is the first time, making sounds that make her answer with the softest moan of her own while he thrusts past her lips into the wet heat of her mouth. She uses her tongue as he moves, stroking it along his length or over the sensitive head to give him even more sensation, hand against his hip to encourage him, give him the pull forward he might need to know it's okay to keep going, to go deeper if he wishes to.]
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The only downside is that reality is much more potent than fiction. Her making those sounds in return, the way her tongue curls on the underside of his cock, how soft her hair is in his hand; he isn't going to last by any measure. He can tell he's close to the edge, tension building that much more when she pulls him forward, encouraging. ]
Inej, I'm— [ His words cut off with a low moan when he pushes in a little deeper, cock leaking a bit in response. ]
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But that was then and the Menagerie is so far away from her thoughts that that girl might as well not even exist now. Instead knowing she's close to tipping Kaz over the edge makes her happy, makes her feel almost desperate to see him come. She wants him to feel as good as she did, to know he can have this if he only reaches out for her like this when he wants her.
So she makes a noise around his cock, a low and eager mmhmm to tell him yes, do it, finish in her mouth, everything is fine. She certainly doesn't stop, moving her hand along his length now too to urge him to spill into her mouth, her greedy tongue stroking and cheeks hollowing out as she does her best to get him there.]
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Inej, who hasn't pulled away; she touches him some more, that muffled noise sliding right through him. He glances down, sees her take his cock further in, the subtle flush on her cheeks and the way they hollow out briefly. Kaz feels his own blush deepen before he comes with a quiet sigh, tension bleeding out of his muscles. For a few moments, he just catches his breath before coming back to himself and moving his hand away from the back of her neck. ]
Hey, come here. [ His voice comes out scratchier than usual, though it's less demanding and more of a request. ]
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Come here, he says, and she lifts her head to look up at him with faint surprise before she shifts to lay beside him properly. She's left just a little space between them, just enough for his comfort, but she rests her hand in the space between them.
His to take or leave if he wants it. A small sign that she's still his to touch how he wants. She's quiet as she waits for what comes next, steeled for either outcome and trying not to expect the worst.
But it's difficult. This is, after all, Kaz Brekker.]
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Instead, he waits for Inej to lie down next to him, placing his hand over hers without any hesitation. Will that suffice in place of the words that he's having a hard time with? Will she even accept that? He threads their fingers together, a less desperate imitation of earlier, letting out a quiet sigh though his nose. ]
You're alright? [ Kaz meets her gaze briefly, questioning. ]
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I'm good.
[Not fine, not okay. Good, so there can be no question about it.]
How about you?
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That is, until he becomes more keenly aware of the sticky feeling on his skin; like coming down from a fever, like the drying process of harbor water. Kaz tries not to jerk away, instead withdraws his hand from hers and sits up, a cold wash of dread filling him. His breath catches and he puts his head in his shaking hands, reminding himself this isn't the past. He's safe in the Slat, it's morning, there's a pile of papers on his desk he needs to go through, a ledger of numbers he wanted to complete.
Jordie isn't here, won't be here, can never be here. Even if it still feels like his ghost fills the spaces between. ]
Tell me something. [ Anything. The silence makes it too easy to hear the rush of water. ]
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And now he wants her to speak? To help him with the demon of his past when she still doesn't even know what they are beyond something that's made it impossible to touch him?
She doesn't sit up with him. Instead she rolls onto her back beside him and pull the covers up over her body, wondering if whatever is wrong will be helped if he can't see so much of her bare body.
What can she possibly say to fix this?]
I've thought about doing this too. I have for a long time.
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How long? [ It comes out a little strained, though he genuinely wants to know. How long have they been dancing around this? How long has it taken him to clue in? ]
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She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
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I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
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[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
But you know where I'd be if you hadn't saved me.
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So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
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[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
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What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
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I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
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That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
I won't make you wait long.
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What he says means everything to her and she's proud of him for saying it, but she smiles and shakes her head, turns it just enough to brush a kiss over his wrist.]
It's okay if you do. I can wait.
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(She kisses the inside of his wrist and as he lets a shiver run through him, he thinks: oh, but it is). ]
I don't have to be anywhere for another couple bells. [ And really, the possibility of curling up with Inej is too difficult to say no to. ]
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Holding onto the edge of the blanket, she lays back once more so she can stretch out in his bed. Their bed? The bed, and with her grip on that blanket it means that it'll go tight around him, bring him down with her so his options are curl up or risk it slipping away and being bared to the cold room.]
Hopefully the place won't fall down around your ears if you take such an extensive break.
[She's teasing him, obviously. A few bells feels like an eternity when she's had so little time with him like this.]
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If he were feeling more up to it, he'd kiss her again, but he's working his way back to that. The first touches after being shaken are always the hardest.
He flops back inelegantly, raking a hand through his completely unruly hair. A semblance of order there at this point is a lost cause. ]
If it does, I can always rebuild it. [ Would it be annoying? Yes. But he could solve some of the layout problems that way much easier. A thought for another day. ]
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[It seems an odd thing to say now, but testing out the waters and how he'll react to implying this new thing between them will continue is something she can't help.
The truth is, she doesn't think it will. Inej is convinced that the moment they leave this bed, the moment his clothes and his gloves go on, he'll block this all out. Everything will return to how it was and he'll probably refuse to acknowledge that this intimate, vulnerable moment even happened.
And her heart is ready for that. If it happens she's ready, and there are paths she can shift herself onto that will guide her away from being hurt by him with or without him meaning to. She meant it every time she told him she wanted all of him and if he still can't give it to her after this, what's keeping her here?
Nothing. Hopefully he knows it.]
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Admittedly though, the idea that she might say more is greatly appealing. He wants to know what she's thinking, besides the possible obvious: that he's going to pull all of his armor back on and pretend this never happened. It's what he's done in the past, working so hard to protect himself from someone he's realized he doesn't need to.
Or maybe he's just adjusted to the idea of being a fool for one specific Suli girl. ]
Not a bad idea.
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