[ Is he ready? In some ways, it doesn't feel like it. He's trying to guess what will happen next, where she'll touch, anything to make sure his mind is ready for it. But even with a somewhat predictable path, Inej is still herself, her actions dictated by whatever her whim happens to be. The part of him that likes plans, likes the clean lines of a ledger—that's frustrated, a nervousness welling up in increments.
Thankfully, that's a much smaller voice to the one that wants to urge her to continue, every brush of her lips making his skin feel more sensitive, feverish. His back arches as she gets lower, a low groan escaping when she leaves a mark on his hip. Let her leave all the marks she wants, it tells the story loud and clear who he belongs to. ]
Yeah, can you— [ Kaz reaches down, holds his hand out for hers, feeling like he could use the grounding. ]
[Out of everything, that surprised Inej the most, feels more intimate than anything else ever possibly could. He offers her his hand, bare, and wants her to take it.
There's something so soft and warm and loving in her eyes as she shifts to take his hand, holding on tightly and lacing their fingers together like she's afraid he'll change his mind if she gives him the chance.
Kaz Brekker, holding her hand. It feels like a miracle.]
It's okay if you need to stop. Just say the word, Kaz.
[She means it, trusts him to know she does, trusts him to know his limits. She starts out so soft, so easy, just leans in to press the most gentle kiss to the very tip of his cock. She leaves it there, lets him feel that, and then slowly, so slowly her lips part.
It's only a fraction of an inch she lets her lips wrap around, warm and wet and her tongue brushing his skin to taste him, but she knows him. Even this might be too much.]
[ She takes hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together, and he feels a little anxiety lessen. The flex of her fingers on his is a constant reminder to keep him in the present, helps him shove the feeling of rising water back. He gives her a quick half-smile in return, concentration pointed on keeping himself from giving in to the bad memories.
And if he needs to, he knows they can stop. Knows Inej won't judge him for it, even if he also knows he'll feel a pang of disappointment.
Because he does want this, it's written in nearly every line of his body right now, from the way his breath immediately hitches when she puts her mouth on him to how his hips shift. A warm flush floods through him when she starts wrap her lips around his cock and he lets out a loud sigh, shaky and wanting. ]
[She rests their linked hands against his hip where he can see that connection and feel it too, where when he looks down his body and sees lips around the crown of his cock he'll see their hands, his pale fingers and her dark skin a beautiful, safe contrast.
She has him, he's safe.
And eager, if the sounds he's made are any indication. She trained herself to be good at reading the body language of the men in her bed, to tell who was happy and who was not, and everything about Kaz right now tells her she's doing well, to keep going. When he moves she doesn't chase him, just opens her mouth a little wider to let him sink past her lips and slide back out when he stills again. Let him squirm, find what's comfortable for him. He could hold her head still in his hands and fuck her mouth if he wanted and she'd be happy to let him.
When his hips rest on the bed again she sinks down a little more, sucks lightly to show him how good that can feel.]
[ The thing he knew, keenly, was that humans were social creatures. Touch was a part of their life, even if he had done everything in his power not to come too close to anyone in that regard. And the thing he suspected was that it would backfire in some way, because one doesn't just tell nature fuck you without some consequence. Kaz may not believe in a god or Saints, but he does believe in karma.
So here's his karma: every nerve feels way more sensitive from the lack over the years. The simplest bit of pressure has him squirming, anything more eliciting a gasp or a low groan. Inej is barely doing anything but the moment she sinks lower, he can feel his toes curl, hips shifting up to chase the feeling.
There's a moment where he glances down and holds her gaze, only to break off again at the sight, swallowing hard. ]
[Hmm. Maybe there was something to that after all.
She won't feel pity for how he struggles when he's doing everything he can to keep going and honestly doing better than she could have expected, but she can adjust. She can make it easier. When she pulls up this time she pulls all the way off him, licking her lips as she goes and thinking absently to herself that while she might not have missed doing this, she likes the way Kaz tastes.]
I have an idea. Something different. Trust me.
[He will. She doesn't wait, just shifts down more until she's lying on her side beside him and guiding him up onto his own side, facing her. It's how they were spooning, only tremendously different now that her mouth is at the perfect height for him to just slip his cock right into. Her hand guides his to her hair, makes him tangle his fingers up in it for something to hold onto.]
You don't have to hold back. Just move how you need to and find what you like.
[And then she leans in, takes him all the way into her mouth with one quick motion, and... stops. It's up to him now.]
[ After a few beats, he has to close his eyes, overwhelmed by sight and by the feel of what she's doing. He's stuck between feeling too much and not enough, the feverish heat under his skin demanding more. The haze of it has him giving her a bit of a dazed reaction when she pulls away and he blinks, gaze immediately dropping to her mouth.
(It's not like he could look away when she's licking her lips like that).
At her urging, he shifts on his side, careful to stretch out his bad leg so it wouldn't cramp and lock up. She starts her way back down, only the barest of touches as she does, until she ends up where she was aiming for. Kaz feels his pulse pick up at her suggestion, slowly and carefully reaches down to tangle his fingers in her hair. It's as soft as he imagined and he spends a few precious seconds running his hand through the strands, watching the sheen of it change with the light.
Only a few seconds though, because soon she's leaning in and swallowing him down. He settles his hand at the back of her neck, fingers partially tangled in her hair, hips shifting forward just a bit. Her mouth is hot and wet and she has no hesitation—that last part is what leads him to rock back and then in again, letting out a low "fuck". ]
[The way he touches her is so distracting, so difficult to reconcile with her long established views of who Kaz is that she just can't wrap her head around why he treats her like something so precious. She's his spider, his Wraith, and the concept of him thinking of her as anything more than an asset is still too new and strange to really have accepted or wrapped her head around.
But he touches her like she means everything to him and her eyelids flutter closed, warmth pooling in her that has nothing to do with arousal. She would be hesitant to admit it, but this kind of affection is something she's wanted from him for ages.
She has it now, and has so much more that her heart is soaring. He's taking his pleasure for what she is sure is the first time, making sounds that make her answer with the softest moan of her own while he thrusts past her lips into the wet heat of her mouth. She uses her tongue as he moves, stroking it along his length or over the sensitive head to give him even more sensation, hand against his hip to encourage him, give him the pull forward he might need to know it's okay to keep going, to go deeper if he wishes to.]
[ Truthfully, he's thought about this quite often. Maybe not this exact thing, because his imagination is only so good when lacking crucial information. Still, he's had dreams of this, of her bringing him off with her hand. Or simply sitting back and letting him do all the work—he wouldn't mind, it's the least she deserves.
The only downside is that reality is much more potent than fiction. Her making those sounds in return, the way her tongue curls on the underside of his cock, how soft her hair is in his hand; he isn't going to last by any measure. He can tell he's close to the edge, tension building that much more when she pulls him forward, encouraging. ]
Inej, I'm— [ His words cut off with a low moan when he pushes in a little deeper, cock leaking a bit in response. ]
[Once upon a time, the fact that this act didn't take long would be something that filled Inej with dread. How many times had it been drilled into them that no one paid the prices the Menagerie demanded only to have everything be over and done with in a few thrusts? Men wanted the worth of what they paid for and an early release is something Inej had come to associate with retribution in one form or another.
But that was then and the Menagerie is so far away from her thoughts that that girl might as well not even exist now. Instead knowing she's close to tipping Kaz over the edge makes her happy, makes her feel almost desperate to see him come. She wants him to feel as good as she did, to know he can have this if he only reaches out for her like this when he wants her.
So she makes a noise around his cock, a low and eager mmhmm to tell him yes, do it, finish in her mouth, everything is fine. She certainly doesn't stop, moving her hand along his length now too to urge him to spill into her mouth, her greedy tongue stroking and cheeks hollowing out as she does her best to get him there.]
[ The smallest fraction of him wants this to last longer, wants this freedom in not recoiling from touch. His mind is about as far away from the harbor as possible, only focused on Inej.
Inej, who hasn't pulled away; she touches him some more, that muffled noise sliding right through him. He glances down, sees her take his cock further in, the subtle flush on her cheeks and the way they hollow out briefly. Kaz feels his own blush deepen before he comes with a quiet sigh, tension bleeding out of his muscles. For a few moments, he just catches his breath before coming back to himself and moving his hand away from the back of her neck. ]
Hey, come here. [ His voice comes out scratchier than usual, though it's less demanding and more of a request. ]
[She takes those few moments he's breathless and recovering to duck her head and swallow, finding the salt taste of him not as bad as she remembered it being. Something that still believes in romance tells her it's because it's Kaz, a man she wants to share her bed and her body with, but she packs that away with all the other foolish wishes, the flickering flame she carries for Kaz Brekker.
Come here, he says, and she lifts her head to look up at him with faint surprise before she shifts to lay beside him properly. She's left just a little space between them, just enough for his comfort, but she rests her hand in the space between them.
His to take or leave if he wants it. A small sign that she's still his to touch how he wants. She's quiet as she waits for what comes next, steeled for either outcome and trying not to expect the worst.
But it's difficult. This is, after all, Kaz Brekker.]
[ It feels like all of his nerves are humming, a sensation he's used to having after a heist or a job well done. The difference here is that he isn't full of adrenaline, that rush of energy that would normally keep him up through the rest of the day or night. He's starting to feel the opposite, mind suspiciously blank of anything; he has no plans on remedying that right now.
Instead, he waits for Inej to lie down next to him, placing his hand over hers without any hesitation. Will that suffice in place of the words that he's having a hard time with? Will she even accept that? He threads their fingers together, a less desperate imitation of earlier, letting out a quiet sigh though his nose. ]
You're alright? [ Kaz meets her gaze briefly, questioning. ]
[There's no helping the strange look she gives him at that question, but rather than point out that it's kind of a silly one when he hadn't done anything even remotely painful to her she just nods her head and reaches out to put her free hand on his cheek. Warm and real and fine, she gives him a gentle smile.]
I'm good.
[Not fine, not okay. Good, so there can be no question about it.]
[ He relaxes a bit when she smiles, knows the answer before it's even said (though it is nice to hear). She puts her hand on his cheek and he turns into it, liking the small touches.
That is, until he becomes more keenly aware of the sticky feeling on his skin; like coming down from a fever, like the drying process of harbor water. Kaz tries not to jerk away, instead withdraws his hand from hers and sits up, a cold wash of dread filling him. His breath catches and he puts his head in his shaking hands, reminding himself this isn't the past. He's safe in the Slat, it's morning, there's a pile of papers on his desk he needs to go through, a ledger of numbers he wanted to complete.
Jordie isn't here, won't be here, can never be here. Even if it still feels like his ghost fills the spaces between. ]
Tell me something. [ Anything. The silence makes it too easy to hear the rush of water. ]
[She can see the moment his baggage comes crashing down on him, where that sweet boy who had wanted to hold her hand turns back into what everyone is so used to seeing. She tries not to feel pity when it would only make him angry, feel worse, but she can't help wishing that she had done something different, been able to distract him a little better.
And now he wants her to speak? To help him with the demon of his past when she still doesn't even know what they are beyond something that's made it impossible to touch him?
She doesn't sit up with him. Instead she rolls onto her back beside him and pull the covers up over her body, wondering if whatever is wrong will be helped if he can't see so much of her bare body.
What can she possibly say to fix this?]
I've thought about doing this too. I have for a long time.
[ The sheets rustle when she moves and he can only guess that she's rolled over. Probably pulled the blankets up because the room isn't exactly warm. All of this helps pull his mind away from the shaking in his limbs, away from the memories of churning waves, a bone deep exhaustion. ]
How long? [ It comes out a little strained, though he genuinely wants to know. How long have they been dancing around this? How long has it taken him to clue in? ]
[Now she does sit up, scoots closer until she's sitting beside him without touching. Like this it's easy to drape the covers over them both so he doesn't get cold, to share her body heat still without the contact she assumes will push him over the edge of what he can handle now.
She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
[ The mattress dips when she sits up and he breathes out, heart still feeling like he's run the length of the Barrel. One hand comes away from his face, fingers curling around the hem of the blanket, a physical tether that tells him definitively that he's not in danger of drowning. ]
I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
[ This is one of the qualities he likes about Inej. One of so many—because really, he likes all of her, every foible, flaw, or oddity— she tends to speak her mind. No pulled punches or attempts to cover something in sweetness that doesn't need it.
So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
[ Even without her reminder, he doesn't think he'll ever forget. Because for all of his planning and attempts to push her away, to make her appear less important in his life, he's still the boy who waited two days to talk to her. The one who wanted to say everything and anything, but could only blurt out a question he knew the answer to. Who could barely stand seeing her so still and washed out, his heart immediately racing into a panic.
What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
[It seems unfair that he would lay that at her feet and force her to answer or risk destroying this delicate connection they've formed, but even now she can't find it in herself to be angry at him. She's said it before and she doesn't mind saying it again.]
I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Thankfully, that's a much smaller voice to the one that wants to urge her to continue, every brush of her lips making his skin feel more sensitive, feverish. His back arches as she gets lower, a low groan escaping when she leaves a mark on his hip. Let her leave all the marks she wants, it tells the story loud and clear who he belongs to. ]
Yeah, can you— [ Kaz reaches down, holds his hand out for hers, feeling like he could use the grounding. ]
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There's something so soft and warm and loving in her eyes as she shifts to take his hand, holding on tightly and lacing their fingers together like she's afraid he'll change his mind if she gives him the chance.
Kaz Brekker, holding her hand. It feels like a miracle.]
It's okay if you need to stop. Just say the word, Kaz.
[She means it, trusts him to know she does, trusts him to know his limits. She starts out so soft, so easy, just leans in to press the most gentle kiss to the very tip of his cock. She leaves it there, lets him feel that, and then slowly, so slowly her lips part.
It's only a fraction of an inch she lets her lips wrap around, warm and wet and her tongue brushing his skin to taste him, but she knows him. Even this might be too much.]
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And if he needs to, he knows they can stop. Knows Inej won't judge him for it, even if he also knows he'll feel a pang of disappointment.
Because he does want this, it's written in nearly every line of his body right now, from the way his breath immediately hitches when she puts her mouth on him to how his hips shift. A warm flush floods through him when she starts wrap her lips around his cock and he lets out a loud sigh, shaky and wanting. ]
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She has him, he's safe.
And eager, if the sounds he's made are any indication. She trained herself to be good at reading the body language of the men in her bed, to tell who was happy and who was not, and everything about Kaz right now tells her she's doing well, to keep going. When he moves she doesn't chase him, just opens her mouth a little wider to let him sink past her lips and slide back out when he stills again. Let him squirm, find what's comfortable for him. He could hold her head still in his hands and fuck her mouth if he wanted and she'd be happy to let him.
When his hips rest on the bed again she sinks down a little more, sucks lightly to show him how good that can feel.]
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So here's his karma: every nerve feels way more sensitive from the lack over the years. The simplest bit of pressure has him squirming, anything more eliciting a gasp or a low groan. Inej is barely doing anything but the moment she sinks lower, he can feel his toes curl, hips shifting up to chase the feeling.
There's a moment where he glances down and holds her gaze, only to break off again at the sight, swallowing hard. ]
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She won't feel pity for how he struggles when he's doing everything he can to keep going and honestly doing better than she could have expected, but she can adjust. She can make it easier. When she pulls up this time she pulls all the way off him, licking her lips as she goes and thinking absently to herself that while she might not have missed doing this, she likes the way Kaz tastes.]
I have an idea. Something different. Trust me.
[He will. She doesn't wait, just shifts down more until she's lying on her side beside him and guiding him up onto his own side, facing her. It's how they were spooning, only tremendously different now that her mouth is at the perfect height for him to just slip his cock right into. Her hand guides his to her hair, makes him tangle his fingers up in it for something to hold onto.]
You don't have to hold back. Just move how you need to and find what you like.
[And then she leans in, takes him all the way into her mouth with one quick motion, and... stops. It's up to him now.]
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(It's not like he could look away when she's licking her lips like that).
At her urging, he shifts on his side, careful to stretch out his bad leg so it wouldn't cramp and lock up. She starts her way back down, only the barest of touches as she does, until she ends up where she was aiming for. Kaz feels his pulse pick up at her suggestion, slowly and carefully reaches down to tangle his fingers in her hair. It's as soft as he imagined and he spends a few precious seconds running his hand through the strands, watching the sheen of it change with the light.
Only a few seconds though, because soon she's leaning in and swallowing him down. He settles his hand at the back of her neck, fingers partially tangled in her hair, hips shifting forward just a bit. Her mouth is hot and wet and she has no hesitation—that last part is what leads him to rock back and then in again, letting out a low "fuck". ]
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But he touches her like she means everything to him and her eyelids flutter closed, warmth pooling in her that has nothing to do with arousal. She would be hesitant to admit it, but this kind of affection is something she's wanted from him for ages.
She has it now, and has so much more that her heart is soaring. He's taking his pleasure for what she is sure is the first time, making sounds that make her answer with the softest moan of her own while he thrusts past her lips into the wet heat of her mouth. She uses her tongue as he moves, stroking it along his length or over the sensitive head to give him even more sensation, hand against his hip to encourage him, give him the pull forward he might need to know it's okay to keep going, to go deeper if he wishes to.]
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The only downside is that reality is much more potent than fiction. Her making those sounds in return, the way her tongue curls on the underside of his cock, how soft her hair is in his hand; he isn't going to last by any measure. He can tell he's close to the edge, tension building that much more when she pulls him forward, encouraging. ]
Inej, I'm— [ His words cut off with a low moan when he pushes in a little deeper, cock leaking a bit in response. ]
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But that was then and the Menagerie is so far away from her thoughts that that girl might as well not even exist now. Instead knowing she's close to tipping Kaz over the edge makes her happy, makes her feel almost desperate to see him come. She wants him to feel as good as she did, to know he can have this if he only reaches out for her like this when he wants her.
So she makes a noise around his cock, a low and eager mmhmm to tell him yes, do it, finish in her mouth, everything is fine. She certainly doesn't stop, moving her hand along his length now too to urge him to spill into her mouth, her greedy tongue stroking and cheeks hollowing out as she does her best to get him there.]
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Inej, who hasn't pulled away; she touches him some more, that muffled noise sliding right through him. He glances down, sees her take his cock further in, the subtle flush on her cheeks and the way they hollow out briefly. Kaz feels his own blush deepen before he comes with a quiet sigh, tension bleeding out of his muscles. For a few moments, he just catches his breath before coming back to himself and moving his hand away from the back of her neck. ]
Hey, come here. [ His voice comes out scratchier than usual, though it's less demanding and more of a request. ]
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Come here, he says, and she lifts her head to look up at him with faint surprise before she shifts to lay beside him properly. She's left just a little space between them, just enough for his comfort, but she rests her hand in the space between them.
His to take or leave if he wants it. A small sign that she's still his to touch how he wants. She's quiet as she waits for what comes next, steeled for either outcome and trying not to expect the worst.
But it's difficult. This is, after all, Kaz Brekker.]
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Instead, he waits for Inej to lie down next to him, placing his hand over hers without any hesitation. Will that suffice in place of the words that he's having a hard time with? Will she even accept that? He threads their fingers together, a less desperate imitation of earlier, letting out a quiet sigh though his nose. ]
You're alright? [ Kaz meets her gaze briefly, questioning. ]
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I'm good.
[Not fine, not okay. Good, so there can be no question about it.]
How about you?
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That is, until he becomes more keenly aware of the sticky feeling on his skin; like coming down from a fever, like the drying process of harbor water. Kaz tries not to jerk away, instead withdraws his hand from hers and sits up, a cold wash of dread filling him. His breath catches and he puts his head in his shaking hands, reminding himself this isn't the past. He's safe in the Slat, it's morning, there's a pile of papers on his desk he needs to go through, a ledger of numbers he wanted to complete.
Jordie isn't here, won't be here, can never be here. Even if it still feels like his ghost fills the spaces between. ]
Tell me something. [ Anything. The silence makes it too easy to hear the rush of water. ]
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And now he wants her to speak? To help him with the demon of his past when she still doesn't even know what they are beyond something that's made it impossible to touch him?
She doesn't sit up with him. Instead she rolls onto her back beside him and pull the covers up over her body, wondering if whatever is wrong will be helped if he can't see so much of her bare body.
What can she possibly say to fix this?]
I've thought about doing this too. I have for a long time.
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How long? [ It comes out a little strained, though he genuinely wants to know. How long have they been dancing around this? How long has it taken him to clue in? ]
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She wishes she knew what was going through his head, what he saw when the past swamped him. She could help if she knew, would feel less lost, less helpless in the face of this.
But she doesn't. She's too afraid to ask even now. All she can do is guess.]
Long enough that it feels silly it took this long. Maybe from the beginning.
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I don't know how, I was even more unlikeable. [ His delivery falls flat, voice still affected by the tremor leaving him shivering in a warm bed. This is working though, his memory of the harbor, of too many bodies, starting to fade. ]
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[There's no point in denying that, he's been awful to her just as often as he has been to the rest of the people they know and it would be disingenuous to pretend that isn't true. But the things he's done that she doesn't approve of pale in comparison to the reason she follows him with such devotion and maybe it's time to open up about that with him.]
But you know where I'd be if you hadn't saved me.
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So he appreciates that she doesn't offer any nice (but false) words to assuage his ego. They both know what he's like.
Though she does bring up a part of him that would probably seem uncharacteristic to an outsider. He'd offered help when she needed it most. A way out. Safety, in the form of a rough and tumble gang, in streets that spoke violence as its first language. Because at least out here, she'd been given teeth, given knives and a reputation; armor. No longer could Tante Heleen leave bruises on body and mind. ]
I know where I'd be, too.
[ Not here, shivers subsiding. Not here, with his heart constantly feeling like it wanted to be caught in his throat. He'd be colder, probably. Crueler, maybe. Dead, a high possibility—how many times has she quietly saved him? ]
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[Don't throw her away, don't replace her. It's there if he wants to look for it, but hidden if he can't hear it just like everything she says to him.
He might understand it now, now that they've crossed this line into something so intimate and unlike themselves. She doesn't regret a single moment, of course, but there's no question they're on different pages when it comes to how they feel about each other. How she's always felt about him.
She can feel the way his nerves are subsiding now and maybe it's a bad move but she leans just those few inches closer until her shoulder rests against his, bare skin warm against his.]
It doesn't have to end there. This can be a start.
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What would he do without her? She'll leave Ketterdam one day; this place has always been a cage to her. He doesn't know that answer.
Breathing evening out, he drops his other hand away, leans a bit towards her. The worst has petered off, leaving him feeling drained. ]
Is that what you want? [ Am I what you want? Something like a monster, someone broken and barely healing? ]
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I answered that question a long time ago, but you forgot. I want every part of you, Kaz.
[The boy under the armor, and yes, even this. He probably thinks of himself as weak right now but all she sees is someone that's fought their way back from the brink of a breakdown, a far cry from the boy who fainted because of the press of bodies all around him. He's made huge strides and she doesn't think he sees it but she wants to be the one to help him keep moving forward.]
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That she should want this—him—despite everything. In all honesty, it would be easier if she had said no. Then he could treat this differently, could more safely bury the soft parts that have been exposed.
But she's said yes twice now. Twice, knowing who he was and how many shattered pieces still remained. And he knows he can't deny her, as much as he's tried over the years. If she wants him without armor, that's what she'll get. Piece by piece until it's stripped away. Until she gets to see what's underneath all of it. Not Kaz Brekker but the Kaz Rietveld that he'd left to drown.
He turns to face her, hesitates and then tucks some of her hair behind her ear, feeling the tension break. ]
I won't make you wait long.
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